The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems.
We strive, we seek, and we work so hard to reach the elusive state of perfection. The perfect body, the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect house, we even seek to be perfect in our healing journey. The greatest cruelty in life is that as humans we are fundamentally imperfect, so the search for perfection is infinite. As long as we are looking we will always find something to focus on that needs fixing, something that could be improved or in some way is showing up as a deficiency in our life.
In a recent therapy session, yes therapists also need to have regular therapy sessions. A therapist is only as good as the work they have done on themselves and can only meet you where they have been willing to go themselves. So back to the therapy session.
In a recent therapy session, I was talking about the completion of my Sacred Feminine Womb Wisdom Journal. Something so close to my heart, something in all the many things I have created and bought into the world, felt so fragile and vulnerable. It certainly bought out my vulnerabilities and questioned ‘Is it/am I good enough, is it perfect enough, is it….’. The self-doubt became crippling, the ‘shitty committee’ had convened and bought in some reinforcements from the past pulling up triggers that I had redefined into alliances through deep inner work.
Anxiety, grief, self-sabotage, the inner critiques, the circus was in town. Of course, we can add in there the cautious voice that says just retreat, it’s not too late. We can still slink off into the night and nobody would be any the wiser. What lays beneath all of this FEAR.
Fear – Frozen Emotions Anchoring Reality Or
Feelings Emerging Allowing Release. Julia Hatchard
FEAR can paralyze us in ways like nothing else. It can be debilitating stopping us from moving forward in life. It can stop us from growing and from living our fullest potential. Fear can take you out physically and emotionally. I came to the realization that fear can control our responses to situations even when we think we can do it differently. Fear is a survival response linked to our survival mechanism, it can be irrational and unreasonable, but somewhere on an unconscious level, it makes sense.
Finding the source of our fear can be fearful in and of itself. It is that dark shadowy place that we can see in our peripheral but we do not dare to turn around and look. What resides beyond the edges is often so threatening that it causes our bodies to go into a protective response. It is the place where the orphaned parts of the self reside, the parts that were abused, humiliated, taunted, disowned, disapproved of, and neglected. It is the darkness of the void that exists like a labyrinth that unless you know your way around you will get lost and never find your way out. These parts protect themselves as much as you protect yourself from going in there. It is the place of the unconscious realms that remains an unmapped landscape of forgotten parts. It is the place where the healing begins.
Healing can become as addictive as any other addiction. We start delving into our past, into our fears, traumas, and woundings, and before we know it we have uncovered a treasure trove of stuff we can spend an eternity working through to reach our ‘fixed’ state of perfection. Of course, once we get here we will no longer feel fearful because we will be empowered and fearless. But what happens when we have worked through decades of traumas and examined our wounds over and over again. Sought through countless therapies and still, there is something that when we are standing on that precipice of change is tugging at our shirttails saying ‘don’t do it it’s not safe’.
Feelings of frustration, to say the least, maybe peppered with some failure just to add salt to the wounds. You have searched, you have done the work and still, you find yourself confronted with the faint shadow of a past voice telling you you can’t do it, or who do you think you are, or it may be that cynical laugh that makes the pit of your stomach drop out along with your self-worth. It was back in that moment that we learned to suppress our dreams, our creativity, and our imagination. At that moment where there was ridicule or laughter, a part of you separated and became orphaned banished into the shadows, unsafe to bring into the light in fear of the repercussions that would bring with it. More ridicule, taunting, laughter, or worse. To protect this orphaned part we needed to call in a protector, someone or something that would not allow anything to pass the gates to get to this vulnerable piece of ourselves. Curtain call-defense mechanism and protective behavior enter stage right.
Let’s say for example a child that experiences physical abuse from their primary caregiver – a parent. The child internally wants to stand up and say no to a parent, or they may want to speak up and express an opinion, a want, or a need. The child’s needs may not be the parent’s primary concern, or the parent has displayed forms of neglect emotionally and physically. In the past when the child has ‘talked back’ in any way it has resulted in the child being severely beaten or verbally abused. The child learns that to speak up or to defy the parent in any way results in dangerous outcomes. On a survival level, the child learns that it is unsafe to speak up i:e the child could form the belief that any form of conflict will result in physical or emotional abuse. During these experiences the child can not run, it can not fight so it either freezes or fawns (tries to befriend). A developmental defense to conflict has been established.
Roll on a decade or three and this child is now an adult in a relationship, has a career, possibly a family, but still struggles with conflict resolution. When confronted with conflict the adult child internally responds to the threat of conflict in the same way it did as a child.
As a child, there was never any resolution around conflict. there was do it my way or else. Therefore as an adult, they only have one point of reference to dealing with conflict. That point of reference is based on the fear of conflict resulting in a physical or emotional abuse. So the adult knowing they need to interact in society learns a new coping mechanism. When conflict arises they are often seen as submissive, passive-aggressive, or at times can display aggression when the pressure cooker is at boiling point. But eventually, the nervous system goes into overwhelm causing a panic attack, anxiety, or in some cases even fainting to protect them from the possible dangers of conflict. The adult is stuck in the incomplete cycle of conflict resolution experienced as a child.
To overcome this faulty program the adult needs to identify how fear is stopping them from moving forward. We need to create safety within the body and resources within ourselves to bring home the orphaned parts so that they can experience conflict resolution in a positive manner, rewiring the old program with a new and healthy version allowing the nervous system to move out of overwhelm and back into a state of balance.
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